


White Line

by kumjongin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 19:14:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7001773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumjongin/pseuds/kumjongin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the people who flew under the guise of perfection while maintaining the cause to be themselves and to indulge in all the debauched pleasures they could. {Prep School!AU}</p>
            </blockquote>





	White Line

The teacher opened his mouth to speak when the door opened, and in stumbled a very late Chanyeol, a flush on his face and his glasses skewed on his face. Jongin half smiled at the sight, wondering how it was that someone never failed to be that clumsy and perpetually late and yet still seem to take it in stride. The only marker of his embarrassment was the flush on his cheeks, other than that he simply straightened up and flashed a beaming smile at the teacher. “Sorry about that, I guess I'm a little late,” he said which caused a few titters of amusement to sound throughout the room.

 

Chanyeol was something else, that was certain. Jongin wasn't sure how he managed to do it, but somehow his childish and clumsy behavior charmed people, and though they wanted to berate him constantly for his mistakes, they couldn't help but smile at his infectious personality.

 

The old calculus teacher attempted a frown. “You're terribly late, Mr. Park,” he stated the obvious, as if everyone and Chanyeol couldn't well see that he was. But with a little sigh and a shake of his head, he simply gestured for the tall gangly student to take a seat in the classroom.

 

Chanyeol simply glided over to his usual seat near Jongin and Sehun, sprawling out in the desk. Jongin noted that his shirt was untucked and his hair looked a bit messy, wondering if he was either getting back from doing something questionable or if he'd just woken up. Knowing the other student, though, anything was possible. They all passed their tests forward, except Chanyeol who appeared unfazed at having missed a quiz, but he knew it was all probably just another layer to the strangely upheld ideal that they all carried around with them and may well have been jolted on the inside.

 

It wasn't for him to say either way. And his thoughts were interrupted from the gangly youth near him when the teacher cleared his throat and began the new lesson in the book, speaking rapidly about the new information and Jongin immediately began to jot down notes, mindlessly following along as he scratched the black ink into the paper pad.

 

Jongin let out a light chuckle as he watched his friend Sehun draw what appeared to be a very inappropriate shape on the corner of the test, shaking his head a little. The younger boy was always trying to do something to be 'rebellious' in his own right, even if it was just a drawing he would erase later, saying it was something within how it was there only they wouldn't know it, and that in and of itself seem like a win to the younger boy. Jongin didn't really understand why it mattered, but he went along with it and laughed in the appropriate places.

  
That was his job, he was the one who simply drifted through everything with a casual smile on his face and perfectly coiffed hair, seeming always as if he didn't have a care in the world. Because honestly, he didn't have very many. He was at one of the best prep schools in the country, and he was almost definitely going to be headed to one of the big Ivy League colleges the school fed into, his parents had plenty of money and he wasn't forced to be a scholarship student, he was attractive, and emotions generally didn't get in his way. He wasn't a sociopath, per say, but he was severely lacking in the amount of caring that other people seemed to insist he was supposed to have.

 

Sehun, on the other hand, seemed to work really hard at trying to appear as if he didn't give a damn when in reality he stayed up late into the night in order to get everything done and still try to claim he slacked off. That was something Jongin never understood about their school, though, how everyone tried to have this certain air of nonchalance about their intelligence and how much effort they put into their schoolwork, instead trying to play it off as if they were all geniuses who never turned in anything but still managed 4.0 gpas. They all knew that when each other tried saying it that it was complete bullshit, they were all smart, sure, they had to be in order to even be considered for getting accepted into the academy, but they weren't as smart as they liked to try to be and even less did they do as little work as they claimed.

 

Even though he didn't understand it, he found himself following suit, claiming he wasn't worried about an assignment even when he was sweating bullets under his clothing. It just wasn't the 'cool' thing to do, to care. And one would think in an all-boys prep school there wouldn't be anyone to impress, there weren't any girls there to tell you how cool they thought you were. And yet they did anyway, because it was the culture and the nature of the way that they lived. So they doodled penises onto their calculus quizzes they would only erase later, trying to rebel in silly ways and against things that no one would care about later in life.

 

Jongin let out a soft sigh as he tapped his pencil against the desk, turning away from Sehun and his own thoughts. His quiz was completed, though his mind still worked over some of the equations in an effort to recall if he was exactly right or only partially. Partially right was never good enough, it was never enough for a school like they were in because it wasn't perfect. And even though they all tried to maintain their 'cool' image, they all also strove for a certain perfection that was almost laughable if he hadn't been stuck in the middle of it himself.

 

When the class was over, they all stood and began scooping their books and pens into their bags and slinging them over their shoulders. Sehun looked at Chanyeol with a condescendingly bored expression. “Why were you late anyway?” he questioned, ever suspicious of everyone and everything.

 

The one in question shrugged a little, beginning his walk out of the classroom and toward the hall, expecting the other two to follow behind, which they did so obligingly. “You know how it is,” he said simply, ignoring Sehun's scathing look to the back of his head.

 

Jongin simply stretched his arms over his head, loosening up the tense muscles in his arms and shoulders as they walked down the hallway to their lockers. “Eh, it's no big deal, is it Sehun?” he said, coming to the elder's defense slightly. He and Chanyeol may not have been the closest in their group of friends, but he could still see that there was something that was mostly harmless about him and he liked that he was so free to be who he was, always keeping a smile on his face even when he was getting in trouble or being questioned by either a teacher or a friend.

 

The grateful look he received didn't go unnoticed, but Jongin always made a point to not dwell on any one person for too long. After all, if he did, it was as if he cared, and he couldn't help the overwhelming apathy that threatened to always consume him at times. But that was the way that he was no matter how he wished it to be, he just couldn't feel anything more than a small sense of camaraderie with people who were in a position akin to his own. It was a selfish way to think and live, but if there was one thing Jongin was it was that he was honest, whether with other people or himself.

 

The youngest simply rolled his eyes, however, and muttered a soft “Whatever,” under his breath before moving the subject along. “Either way, is there anything we're doing this weekend or does Joonmyun want us to do some school pride shit again?”

 

Jongin groaned a little at the reminder of the last weekend, when one of their other friends suggested that they do something the school put on for the students to keep them interested in the school, supposedly, as if spending all their days and nights in the place wasn't bad enough, they wanted to try and dictate the free time they had as well. Jongin had only gone on the condition that he could get stoned beforehand, and although he was met with an incredulous look from Joonmyun, he posed no direct qualms. Although the drugs had made it a little more bearable, nothing could fully make an evening filled with 'How to Be a Better Junior Businessman' enjoyable. It may have been useful for some people, but that was pretty much what their school was designed to teach them anyway and the speaker was an old man whose voice croaked every time he tried to enunciate something too much. It had been too painful to watch. “If he suggests something like that again, we break his kneecaps,” he suggested with a shake of his head.

 

Chanyeol laughed, the sound carrying down the crowded hallway much further than it should have considering the joke wasn't all that funny. But that was Chanyeol, he laughed even when things weren't funny and his voice always boomed out at the most inconvenient of times. It was sometimes grating, at least if it was him announcing something he should have to an entire group of people when he couldn't control his volume. That had happened to Sehun, who had in confidence told Chanyeol about an encounter with one of the maids in his family's vacation home over the summer, but the secret didn't stay that way for long. It wasn't that Chanyeol was insensitive, necessarily, he was just loud. As soon as it had been let out, he had clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes widened at the shock that he'd just unveiled a friend's secret. But the damage was already done, and Jongin wasn't totally sure that Sehun had forgiven the elder for that little incident in the first place.

 

“I guess we'll see if anyone knows anything going down,” he said simply, turning the combination on his locker nimbly. Right 32, left 6, right 19, and pop opened the door. Immediately, he glanced over the contents inside and let the bag on his shoulder slip down so he could reach and put away some of the books he no longer needed.

 

Sehun nodded his agreement with his statement, not bothering to answer him; Chanyeol on the other hand didn't even acknowledge his words and aimed straight for the locker anyway. With a brief thought, Jongin remembered he had chemistry next period, and pulled out the thick green textbook to slip into his bag instead. To his left, Chanyeol was fumbling with something in the locker but he couldn't make out what it was with the way the elder was positioned. Thinking nothing of it, he slammed the locker shut again and twisted the black knob.

 

“Later,” he called and turned away from them to head down the hallway in the opposite direction from whence they had come.

 

In the afternoon, in the period directly before his history class, he stood at his locker once again when a familiar face caught his eye a little further down and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. The smaller, doe-eyed class representative was listening intently to something one of the teachers was saying, nodding in all the right places. Jongin couldn't make out any of the conversation from his vantage, but he could see the intent stare of Kyungsoo as he listened, and he watched him carefully, tracing the lines of his profile with his eyes.

 

Seemingly feeling eyes on him, Kyungsoo suddenly broke eye contact with the teacher and glanced in Jongin's direction quickly, though he averted his eyes again once he ascertained who it was that looked at him. Deciding that the representative was more interesting than his history class, he took his time sifting through things he wasn't going to need in order to stall for time. Mentally he urged the conversation to hurry up and finish so that he could pull Kyungsoo off to some dark corner for the next hour.

 

And fate was on his side, as it generally tended to be, and soon after as the halls began clearing as some of the more intellectual types started to scurry off to their classes in the hopes of being on time. Jongin slammed the locker shut, spinning the lock again before making his way to where Kyungsoo stood, glancing at the planner in his hand. When the presence was before him, he glanced up, his wide eyes shining clearly up at Jongin and he smiled a little, almost shyly. “Jongin, shouldn't you be getting to class?” he asked with a soft laugh, knowing that the other had a questionable ethic when it came to his schooling at times.

 

Instead, he shrugged a little and took hold of Kyungsoo's wrist, pulling him along with him toward the library. “Come with me, it'll be a lot more fun than learning about some war hundreds of years ago,” he said, though his voice was quiet as it carried back to the other student.

 

There was little protest behind him, only a brief, “But Jongin-” before he was given a look and quickly closed his mouth again and let himself be pulled along to the library. When they went inside, Jongin glanced around quickly for the librarian, knowing that even if the old prude was around Kyungsoo was able to sweet-talk pretty much any of the school's workers with his sincere gazes and steady voice.

 

Without waiting on whether or not she would show up, he pulled the shorter male behind him toward the back bookcases where the reference materials and atlases lay. Almost no one came to that area of the library, though it was becoming less frequent for anyone to even use the library with almost all of the boys doing a majority of their research on the laptops their parents handed out like Halloween candy.

 

“You know, we shouldn't be doing this,” whispered Kyungsoo, biting his plump bottom lip softly. He always worried that they would get caught doing something and would both get into trouble, though the younger always tried to convince him they'd be fine. There was something in the risk of almost getting caught, of not knowing where the administrators of the school were at any given moment and if their little game would be over. It was a fun game he liked to play with himself and whoever was with him at the time, seeing what boundaries could be pushed in the midst of a school surrounded by regulations and tradition.

 

He wrapped his hands around the class representative's waist, pulling him closer to his own body and simultaneously taking a step backward toward the shelf to position him against it. He looked down at the other student for a brief moment, taking in how sincere his face seemed, so full of trust and understanding and just a hint of worry underneath it. It was always the same look, and Jongin found he loved when the other looked at him like that, it was something so enticing about taking someone who was so trusting of everything he was doing and allowing him. The control of it made a thrill of excitement go through him, as it often did. That was something everyone at the school severely lacked, control, so they went out of their ways in order to maintain any sense of it they could.

 

Leaning down slightly, he pressed his mouth against the other's, a soft gasp escaping Kyungsoo at the first meeting of their lips as it usually did. That was something else he found endearing about the other, no matter how many times they snuck off in the dark corners of the school, it always seemed like it was one of the first times, because his reactions almost never changed. After that brief moment of what seemed like shock but he knew couldn't have been considering he agreed to this every time, Kyungsoo responded, pressing his own mouth back against him.

 

Jongin savored the feeling for a moment, their full mouths melding together in such a satisfactory way and made a content hum flow through him into the kiss. He tilted his head slightly to the side, deepening the kiss ever so slightly and began moving his mouth against Kyungsoo's. Their mouths fit together so well, it was a perfect melding of softness and yet a certain restrained roughness that lay beneath it that he couldn't attribute to anything other than the fact that Kyungsoo was male. With women, there was more a feeling of overall softness that was a bit different with men, there was a certain aggression there.

 

Kyungsoo's fingers clenched lightly onto the front of Jongin's shirt, keeping him pulled closely, but it always seemed as if he liked that position so he could push him away quickly if the need arose. They had an hour, he knew, as long as the class period was, which wasn't as long as he would have liked to have, but it was more than enough to at least enjoy the other student for a little while.

 

A soft groan escaped him against Kyungsoo's mouth before tugging on the other's bottom lip lightly with his teeth. He was always the one to direct how far they went, and the mood of their little get-togethers. Kyungsoo just always seemed to go along with it no matter if Jongin was biting and nipping at his mouth, leaving it swollen and red at the end of it, or if he was gentle and sweet where he would press light kisses along the other's skin and mouth. It just depended on how he was feeling that day, and he always appreciated that Kyungsoo never protested, even on the occassions that Jongin had bit a little too hard and made his lip bleed slightly.

 

He sucked on his bottom lip lightly, a soft sound escaping Kyungsoo as he did so before Jongin pulled back momentarily and opened his eyes. He was a very visual person, and seeing Kyungsoo against the bookshelf with half-lidded eyes and kiss-swollen lips was more than enough to make a small tingle run through his nether-regions. Leaning back in, he was more forceful this time, his tongue swiping against the crease of the other's mouth demandingly.

 

And like always, Kyungsoo merely parted his lips to Jongin's whims, allowing him entrance which the younger gladly took advantage of. He ran his tongue along Kyungsoo's mouth, exploring for a brief moment before he slid his tongue against the other's, a soft moan coming from each of them at the contact, though Jongin immediately tried to quiet himself. They were still, after all, in a library, and if they were caught who knew what the actual repercussions would be.

 

He curled his tongue around the other's, wrapping his arms around him more securely as he deepened the kiss. There was something about the taste of Kyungsoo that was so addicting, and he couldn't explain what it was or why he kept returning to him. It was more than just being allowed to do as he pleased with the elder, but there was something about the way they fit together that made it all seem like it was worthwhile.

 

After a few minutes of their tongues dancing together, Kyungsoo was the one to lightly give Jongin a push in indication he should move away. Immediately Jongin did as requested, looking around for any of the library staff but finding no one, his hand coming to wipe away the traces of Kyungsoo. “What's wrong?” he whispered back at him, lifting an eyebrow curiously.

 

Kyungsoo shook his head a little. “Nothing, we just...shouldn't be doing this. Not here. It's...kind of conspicuous, you know?” he mentioned, though he kept his gaze down as if afraid that Jongin was going to get angry at him for stopping their makeout session.

 

Jongin tilted his head at the other, lifting a finger to Kyungsoo's chin to make him look upward at him. “Shh, it's fine,” he assured him, a half smile creeping onto his face. “We won't get caught. But if you don't want to...” he shrugged, indicating that would be alright. It would be a disappointment, sure, but he didn't want to put pressure onto the elder to stay and make out with him if he was uncomfortable with it for some reason. He may have been lacking a bit on the emotional level, but he wasn't without regard for others as much as he sometimes felt like.

 

The smaller boy gave a weak nod, but he held Jongin's look for a moment before lifting and connecting their mouths again, but this time it was more gentle than before, a sense of finality to it that still left him slightly let down. Jongin savored the soft kiss though, his mouth soft and pliant against the other's before allowing Kyungsoo to again pull away. He smiled at him quickly, a flash of teeth to assure him that he wasn't angry before pulling away completely.

 

“I'll call or text you later or something,” he said with a nod as Kyungsoo turned to walk back out of the library, to which the elder raised a hand in recognition before making his way out of the library. A sigh left him as he glanced at the clock. Far too much of the class period was left for his satisfaction, and no one to occupy his time.

 

That was something else about the school they attended, they snuck in as many opportunities for things they enjoyed and could get away with, but also had to always have something to occupy them. It was a strange sort of catch, needing someone or something else at all times to keep them appeased but at the same time it was perfectly in line with what they were fed to know. They knew that working had to be the most important aspect of their days, and passing their classes and upholding the standard of perfection was all that mattered to both they and their parents, while at the same time they did what they could get away with.

 

That's what most people didn't talk about with those who ended up running companies and businesses, they're seen as those who are on top of the world and play the game as it's meant to be. But in reality, it was the people who flew under the guise of perfection while maintaining the cause to be themselves and to indulge in all the debauched pleasures they could. Even if they were only in some feeder school at the moment, he knew that one day they would be the ones who owned the companies with the prestigious jobs and million dollar houses, the newest cars, and the best facelifts. That was the life they had been born into and it was the life they continued to thrive within, wanting to be nothing short of perfect while they fucked the secretaries and gambled for a laugh, seeing how much they could lose just to prove to themselves that it was all worth the gain.

 

It was only when those people got caught that the game was over, when their spectacles were highlighted for the world to again see. And those in lower power always saw it as a sort of victory, proving that those who were seen as perfect were nothing more than they were. But it wasn't like that either, because although everyone was looking for the easiest way to the top, the ones who got there never stopped trying to change the way they functioned and never stopped achieving and going for something bigger and better.

 

When the day's classes finished, Jongin made his way back to his room with a soft sigh, wanting to leave the starkly colored white walls and return back to his parent's home, just for a rest. It wasn't that his life was stressful, exactly, after all, he had everything he needed and could get anything he wanted, but it was the process of being in it and the whole sense of always trying that just seemed so draining. He was always trying to be something, always working toward that better goal and that more luxurious prize, as if something more flashy and more attractive would make him a better person. But it wasn't like that at all, and the more he got the less he felt inside of himself. Sure it made him happy, but only in that superficial way that he got everything he wanted, and whatever whims and desires he had could be his along with anyone at the school.

 

But complaining about that lifestyle was pretentious, he was aware that there were people with real problems that consisted of more than what their haircut should be next or if they were going to get a new car as a graduation present or a trip on one of the family's yachts. There were people out there who struggled to eat and have clothes, he knew this, but he wasn't immersed within it. He only knew of the problems, but he didn't have to live with it day to day and that was when people like him forgot about problems of more than just money and luxury.

 

As he got to the room, he unlocked the door and slipped inside, his eyes falling on his roommate briefly before tossing his bag onto his bed and flopping down onto it. The other student glanced at him and lifted a brow curiously, fingers poised over his notebook mid-sentence. “Something the matter?” he asked in his calm voice.

 

Jongin shook his head and closed his eyes. “No, everything's fine,” he said dully. It was true, everything was always fine in a sense, everything was always perfect and nothing was ever truly wrong. And maybe that was where his problem lay, but he couldn't well say that to Luhan, who was still looking at him curiously.

 

“You look tired. Maybe you should take a nap,” he suggested gently, indicating for a moment that he was on the bed anyway. They had a strange sort of relationship. They didn't talk all that much since they didn't actually have much in common to begin with, but they had a mutual understanding of being around one another that was comforting at times. Luhan had moments, like then, that he took on a sort of protective role over Jongin that the younger never fully understood, but generally didn't protest against much. At the school, there were plenty of people who seemed to take over a care giving sort of role, and most of the other boys either paid no mind, accepted it, or lashed out against it.

 

He'd noticed in the many ways that the school functioned that it said a lot about the ways the boys also handled authority and their parents depending on their reactions to those who took a caring role toward them. They were distinct leader types, but not everyone appreciate what they tried to do, claiming they interfered too much and immediately were labeled 'gay' for caring what happened to them or wanting to talk about how others felt. In an all-boys school there was a predominant feature of being as aggressive as you possibly could, and to be someone that people could respect you had to be the best athlete and be as aloof and nonchalant as you could manage while still being able to hold your own and not wimp out if the need for a fight ever arose. At least that was how he viewed those who were considered to be accepted in the school. And those who tried to care for the other boys weren't fitting into that role. But other times, although they didn't particularly fit into the role other boys wanted or desired or expected, it was welcomed. Because they were within the same age group and therefore weren't like the teachers when they tried telling the students what to do or how they should act. And the need for parental figures was strong, even when they didn't want to admit it to each other or themselves.

 

“I'm fine,” he assured him again and took out his phone, promptly putting and end to any further conversation with the roommate. Although he appreciated what he was doing, he didn't want to hear it. There wasn't any way he could even explain his mood to himself much less to someone else, and he had too much he needed to do in order to actually take a nap like the other suggested.

 

There were a few messages on the screen, one he'd aptly avoided for the past few hours from Joonmyun, _'why weren't you in history?'_ and he released a little sigh as he scrolled to it again, finally hitting the reply button.

 

'just wasn't. Did anything happen?' he typed quickly, not wanting to go into where he was or why with the other student. He was another of those, the type who cared too much for those around him, his sincere eyes and ever-present smile making it hard to dislike him and not confide in him for some reason. But Jongin knew well that if there was anything Joonmyun was also good at, it was giving someone a lecture about their priorities and their responsibilites to themselves, their parents, and their school. He'd heard the spiel a thousand times, and he'd gotten to the point where he didn't bother to take any of it to heart, instead just listening to him mindlessly as he thought about something he deemed more important at the time. Or, like in this case, shorter answers proved sufficient.

 

'...you're not answering me, but ok. Come see me and you can borrow my notes,' was the offer he received just moments later and he let out another sigh. It seemed like he was sighing far too much lately. But he knew that it was a bit of a trap. Because of course he did need those notes, but if he went to see the elder student, then he would also risk getting the same lecture and he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with that. 

 

But then another thought crossed his mind and instead of answering Joonmyun he opened a message to Chanyeol. 'can I borrow ur history notes?'

 

He knew that at least if he asked Chanyeol he wouldn't be  hounded by questions most likely, the tall boy usually too clueless to get involved with other people's problems, and Jongin liked it that way just fine. He received a message quickly from him and opened it. 'uh ok when r u coming by?'

 

'idk how about now? R u busy?'

 

'ok'

 

Jongin made a face at the simple message, not really answering his question and instead just serving to mostly annoy him, but he begrudgingly sent a last text to Joonmyun saying that he was already getting them from Chanyeol. Maybe Chanyeol had a strange habit of brushing him off or giving him incomplete thoughts, but at least he wouldn't pry.

 

It wasn't that Jongin was embarrassed of his little encounters with Kyungsoo, although he didn't particularly go out of his way to tell people about them either. There wasn't really a label they had for whatever it was they were to one another, and maybe that was where the conflict arose. After all, he didn't know how to refer to Kyungsoo, they weren't dating. At least, he was pretty sure they weren't. But he did know from his limited experience with dating that it usually involved going more places than the back of the library or a hidden closet somewhere to paw at one another for a few minutes.

 

It wasn't something he generally liked to think about, the labelling scenario. It was too much hassle to actually do and only girls really sat down and talked about their problems or their relationships. So it remained in a silent question in the back of his head, though he was also in no mood to either deal with it or figure it out at the moment.

 

Swinging his legs off the bed, he sat up and undid the tie around his throat, feeling an immense need to suddenly be comfortable even though Chanyeol's room was only a few doors down from his own. When classes weren't in session they were able to wear pretty much what they wanted, so he felt lazy and began stripping off the uniform.

 

“Jongin I swear you're an exhibitionist,” said Luhan with a grumble, glancing up to frown at him briefly.

 

The one in question let out a bit of a laugh. “I don't have anything to be embarrassed of,” he justified and continued stripping out of the clothes before slipping on a pair of sweatpants that made him comfortable.

 

“Maybe but I don't need to see your ass every time I look up,” he continued, though his gaze remained on the book open before him.

 

Jongin rolled his eyes a little and waved him away, slipping a t-shirt over his head before grabbing his phone and padded out of the room to Chanyeol's dorm, knocking twice to signal himself. He waited a moment for a response and upon receiving none he let out another groan, knocking two more times a little louder so that he would hear. He wasn't surprised by Chanyeol not answering the door immediately, knowing it was quite possible he was locked away with himself doing something on the internet or playing some game. At least that's what he always seemed to be doing when Jongin dealt with him.

 

But after another moment's waiting, he pulled out his phone and sent a message to the other boy, 'where the fuck r u' and crossed his arms over his chest. A wide array of boys passed through the hallway in varying stages of dress and sanity. Some walked as if they were half-dead with crooked ties and ruffled hair, while others yelled at people two floors up with bare chests. It was almost normal save for how utterly abnormal it all was.

 

Finally his phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen. 'sorry one sec' was displayed and he tapped his foot impatiently. “Fucking Chanyeol,” he muttered under his breath and shook his head as he waited on the gangly youth to appear. Why would someone type 'ok' when they weren't even ready for someone's company? It made no sense to him, but he supposed that was one of the many reasons that he and Chanyeol differed so much. Where as Jongin was very traditional and by the book in a lot of ways, Chanyeol seemed to make his own awkward path of jumbled limbs and too-wide smiles.

 

Briefly the thought crossed his mind to wonder who would end up more successful, considering they had such different approaches. Sure they were  f riends and therefore sort of colleagues at the moment, but he was also well aware that when they got older they would be put into the same feeder schools but they would probably have very different paths. He knew that the other could be  perfectly normal if he wanted to be, it was just a matter of getting him there. But he also reasoned that they were still young and maybe the other would have time to lose hi s sense of happiness and humanity that always seemed to follow him.

 

After what felt like forever, the door opened and he was greeted to the sight of Chanyeol's smiling face and his hair mussed and unkempt. Not that appearances bothered him, after all he was himself standing in the middle of the hallway in sweatpants and bare feet, but he always took a note of when Chanyeol seemed to look distressed in some way. It was hard to rationalize exactly why he always did, but it was always at the strangest times.

 

“What the hell kept you? Don't act like you were on the other side of your mansion or something and couldn't hear me you fuck,” he grumbled, though they both knew he only halfway meant it and Chanyeol slid over to let him pass with another smile.

 

“Sorry, I was distracted,” he said, his voice as deep as ever, though it was abnormally quiet. His voice usually boomed out unexpectedly, almost as though he were shouting a good amount of the time, but instead it was more solemn.

  
Jongin glanced back at him, a slight frown creasing his brow at the tone, but Chanyeol avoided his gaze and walked over to where his bag was half draped over the chair. It never failed to amaze him how messy the elder's room was, stacks of books and papers littering the desk, plates that didn't look like they'd moved in weeks, clothes that were piled into balls flung haphazardly over the floor. Though Jongin generally couldn't tolerate the mess that seemed to follow Chanyeol like a moth followed light, he tried at least keeping his opinion quiet about it. Although he was honest, he also knew that in order to retain friends or make people happy, silence did its own sort of justice.

 

Walking over, he flopped down onto the bed, yawning softly as he watched the tall boy rifle through his bag for the mysterious notes. “Where were you anyway though? You were in math this morning,” he pointed out and Jongin made a face.

 

“Nowhere, just didn't show. Where were you this morning during that math quiz anyway?” he asked in return, laying backward onto the bed and letting his eyes drift shut again. After a silent moment, another thought occurred to him and he opened his eyes again. “Wait, where's Kris?” Chanyeol's roommate was an endlessly revolving door through the room, and Jongin tried his best to avoid him at all costs after an incident that had occurred the previous year that resulted in him getting his ass handed to him by said roommate.

 

“Uh, I think he had some meeting? Debate club or something, I don't remember,” he answered while clearly avoiding his earlier question. Seemingly finding what he was looking for, he ripped out a sheet of paper from his notebook and stood again, offering it to the boy laying on the bed. “Don't worry, you'll be safe from big bad Kris,” he mocked with one of those loud laughs of his that made one eye squinch up.

 

Jongin glared at him briefly before reaching up to snatch the paper from him, not bothering to sit up and glanced over his notes. “Chanyeol...how the fuck do you expect anyone to read your handwriting?” he asked after a moment of trying to decipher it.

 

Chanyeol shrugged. “Not my problem if you can't figure it out. You asked for my notes, I'm here to serve you, oh Prince Jongin.”

 

The statement earned him another glare and the boy finally sat up, thinking with some strange logic that if he were to sit he could pay more attention to it. “Shut up, asshole,” he muttered with no real conviction. The notes, from what he could manage to make out of them at least, justified him not going to class, his time with Kyungsoo much more enjoyable than learning about Charlemagne. Or champagne. Or chimpanzees. Whichever one it was that Chanyeol was trying to write down in his chicken scratch, none of them seemed worth his time.

 

“So can I gather from this serial killer writing that I didn't miss much?”

 

“That's a pretty safe bet,” he nodded, sitting down in his desk chair and began to fiddle with the pens that were arranged sporadically in a cup.

 

“Huh, cool. Thanks, then. I don't think this actually helped me much, but thanks anyway.”

 

“Hey, you're the one that asked. If you wanted good notes, why didn't you just ask Joonmyun? His handwriting is as pristine as anything. Perfect for your so delicate sight.”

 

“Fuck you. And I didn't want to hear his lecture about skipping class,” Jongin let out a soft snort.

 

“...well, he has a point.”

 

“You missed a math quiz, shut up.”

 

“Touche. Anything else you need?” Chanyeol cocked his head a little, and Jongin noticed that there was a strange sort of expression in his eye. Normally, Chanyeol's eyes sparked with something that was either life or it was something verging on the look of insanity. But either way, there was usually a lightness in his gaze that was noticeably missing.

 

“Uh, don't think so. Are you okay, by the way?” he asked with a little frown. It wasn't like him to show much emotion, sure, but there was something unsettling about when Chanyeol wasn't being, well, Chanyeol. He was so used to him being goofy and carefree and happy, and the blank look was uncomfortable, and not knowing why was even worse.

 

Chanyeol simply smiled a little at him, but he noticed even then the look didn't quite reach his eyes, the blank expression still present. “Fine, you know me, never better,” he laughed again, though it seemed hollow.

 

Jongin shook his head, and suddenly when he looked at Chanyeol again all he saw was the same goofy kid who didn't know how to contain himself most of the time who he'd known for many years. It wasn't the eerie look of someone blank and hollow, but the sparkle and life in his eye was present again. “Okay...well, I should go nap or something, I think I'm losing it,” he said half-heartedly, but he was slightly worried it was true. He wasn't the type to go around seeing people strangely, if anything he was analytical.

 

The elder boy nodded once. “Aight. Later,” he said dismissively, rifling through his bag  once more.

 

He grunted his acknowledgment of the greeting and stood to leave when a mark on Chanyeol's arm caught his attention. His sleeve was riding up just a bit at the wrist where he was digging and Jongin could swear he saw some strange red mark.  It was only a flash of something and his sleeve quickly returned back to it's position, but it was enough to cause another frown to durrow his brow.

 

“Chanyeol? You okay?” he asked, though he wasn't sure if it would be perceived as strange considering he didn't often show his care for his friends in an obvious way.

 

The elder had a puzzled look on his face, halting mid-motion before laughing. “You must be tired. I'm fine, go take that nap,” he reiterated with a nod and resumed opening the notebook in front of him, turning his attention to it and therefore shutting Jongin out.

 

With a soft hum of agreement, he finished walking out the door, though he was still a bit confused about all that had just happened with his friend. Surely he was just imagining things, and there was nothing on his skin. Or it was just ketchup or something, someone like Chanyeol was a messy eater, so he assured himself it was something like that. Not blood. Chanyeol was a happy person, he exuded wide smiles and loud laughs, definitely not the type to ever be depressed or want to hurt himself.

 

He shook his head again, trying to get his thoughts to clear. Although he knew he probably should in fact go take that nap like he said he was going to, he found that he really held no desire to return to his room. It was nothing against Luhan, the quiet boy was a little invasive sometimes but he was never a bother. It was just something about being locked away in the room with only his thoughts. Luhan was often too invested in his work or some project to actually do anything fun, but that usually worked out well enough.

 

Taking out his phone from his pocket, he leaned against the wall of the dormitory, scrolling through the messages he'd received and his contacts to see if there was anything to take his mind away from whatever strange plaguing thoughts had decided to increasingly take over his head. When he ran across Kyungsoo, he shifted his weight a little from side to side, deciding if he wanted to contact him. He'd said he would, of course, but that didn't always mean anything. Sometimes he'd say that and not contact him for days on end. With another sigh, he finally pushed called the other boy's number and held the phone to his ear as he began walking down the hall, not wanting to stick around somewhere so crowded when he talked to him.

 

“Hello?” came the voice on the other end, always the same calm sort of voice that made Jongin smile a little.

 

“Hey, what's up?” he asked, threading his way around a gaggle of people in a doorway.

 

“Jongin,” the elder sounded surprised to hear from him, “I didn't expect you to call. Nothing, really, just finishing up some things.”

 

When he said that, he felt a small pang of something that tasted slightly bitter and he attributed that it may well be guilt at not ever keeping to his promises. But they weren't anything to each other except for an occasional hookup, right? Just a way of biding their time, nothing more than that. “I call you sometimes,” he excused, though it sounded lame even in his own head.

 

There was a soft laugh on the other line. “When you want something, sure. Are you calling to say you're coming over? My roommate's here.”

 

The words, though so simple, spoke volumes to Jongin. “Ouch, that was a little harsh,” he said with a frown, finally exiting the dorm building to the warm air outside. He still didn't have shoes on, but the grass felt warm beneath his bare feet.

 

The line remained devoid of words, a clearly deliberate move when he got a simple hum in return.

 

“Kyungsoo...are you mad about something?” he asked, a trace of worry running through him. Maybe they were no more than casually seeing one another, but in a strange way how Kyungsoo thought of him was important. And if he was angry, he at least wanted to know what was going on. When they'd had their little encounter earlier that day, the other student had seemed his perfectly normal self, so he couldn't say when his attitude had even changed.

 

“No, nothing. Was there something you needed?”

 

“...Shit. Uh, can I come over to see you?”

 

“If you want to, sure. Like I said, though, we won't be alone.”

 

“It isn't like that...I just wanted to talk to you,” Jongin bit his lip softly, the brown on his face deepening. This wasn't going how he expected it to at all. First his worries about Chanyeol and now Kyungsoo was acting strangely. It was unsettling, so say the least.

 

“Oh. Sure, come by whenever,” Kyungsoo said and hung up, not waiting on a response.

 

Jongin frowned at the phone, wondering what had just happened when he shrugged a little and pocketed the device yet again. Maybe he wasn't the best with words, but at least if he could see Kyungsoo in person he could be able to clear up what was going on. And possibly ask about Chanyeol, at least if things didn't get too tense. He ran his fingers through his hair as he began walking through the grass-covered lawn toward one of the other dormitories set up at the school. It wasn't really conducive to go around barefoot, but it was just across the quad of the dorms, so he didn't see it as much of an issue. And it was only Kyungsoo, who he felt comfortable around even if he showed up in sweatpants and looking slightly bedraggled.

 

As he entered the other dorm, he glanced around at the walls, the yellowing white paint peeling in places. The main difference between this dorm and the one he lived in was how quiet it was. He was used to boys running through the halls and screaming at one another, but here it was still and silent, only faint noises behind closed doors being audible.

 

Slowly he walked up the stairs, his feet sounding through the hallway, and the entire silence of everything felt almost eerie. The wood was smooth under his feet, but he did keep an eye out for any splinters or objects. As he made his way down the hall to 235, he nibbled his bottom lip lightly, wondering how this was going to work itself out. After all, Kyungsoo wasn't normally so short with him, but he supposed that he had something like this coming. Though he wasn't quite aware of why he felt that way either.

 

Raising his fist, he knocked twice softly on the door, looking down the hall distractedly as he waited on the door to open for him. When it finally did, he met Kyungsoo's impassive gaze and the smaller simply moved out of the way to let him by. “What's going on?” he asked as Jongin stepped through the threshold and into the room. Glancing down at his feet, he frowned a little. “Why aren't you wearing shoes anyway?”

 

Jongin gave a little shrug. “I didn't feel like it,” he said and nodded toward Kyungsoo's roommate in acknowledgment of his presence. He was a strange sort, quiet and almost eerie if you were around him too much. Not that Jongin did make a habit of being around him, Tao he thought his name was...or something like that.

 

Tao looked at him for a moment before glancing to Kyungsoo again. “Oh...I have to go do something anyway,” he excused and stood from his bed, even though he didn't look at all like he was about to leave.

 

“You don't have to,” Kyungsoo broke in, though the roommate waved him off and stood anyway, gathering his bookbag and slipping out the door before it could be argued against.

 

“...He's...bizarre,” Jongin muttered at his retreating form, lifting an eyebrow slightly.

 

“He's really not, once you give him a chance,” said the elder, and one glance at him said that he was accusing Jongin of not doing just that, his arms crossed over his chest.

 

Jongin bit his lip again, shrugging slightly before sitting down uninvited on the edge of Kyungsoo's bed. It was strange to be in this position, he had never been uncomfortable with the other boy before, everything had always been so easy and simple between them. And all of a sudden there was a certain tension that he didn't like. “Kyungsoo, come here,” he requested gently, patting the space beside him on the other's bed.

 

But he got a small shake of the head. “I'm fine here.”

 

“Why are you mad at me?”

 

“You're really blind sometimes you know that?” the tone was a bit harsher than Jongin had expected from the smaller male.

 

He frowned slightly. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

Kyungsoo sighed. “Nothing, forget about it. What did you want to talk about?” he attempted  to change the topic, but Jongin wasn't going to let something like that slide.

 

“No, I'm not going to. What's your problem?” his own tone was taking on a harsher edge to it, almost demanding an answer from the other student. He was getting tired of skirting around the issue, whatever this issue even happened to be. And that was the problem, he wasn't even sure what the issue was supposed to be, and Kyungsoo avoiding telling him was beginning to wear on his nerves.

 

Finally, the other pursed his lips slightly and shook his head. “You're my problem. For someone so smart you're really dumb sometimes. You're selfish and egotistical and you make me insane.” Kyungsoo's voice was calm, steady in the words he uttered, though his voice was also quiet.

 

“Oh. Well...” Jongin wasn't exactly sure how he was supposed to be reacting to this. Sure, he knew he could be selfish and egotistical, but he thought it was also just a part of something that made him who he was. That was what it meant to be successful wasn't it? To be invested solely in yourself and the interests there in that would help you to be better?

 

But Kyungsoo didn't seem to be done. “No, it's not just 'oh well.' You're an asshole. You use people just for your own amusement but then you don't care about them, it's all some big game to you, Jongin. It's a sick game that I really don't want to be a part of anymore,” as he continued, his voice had a slight tremble to it, as if made uncomfortable by what he was saying, but Jongin could tell it was something he'd been intending to say for a while.

 

“Kyungsoo...”

 

“Don't. Don't apologize, because you aren't sorry. You just don't want someone to call you out on your bullshit so you fill people with halfhearted compliments and apologies that get them off your back. Sometimes I lay awake at night and I wonder if you even care about anyone but yourself. Do you notice how desperately people try to impress you? Only to be met with this aloof bullshit you have going for you. Do you know how much your friends try cracking through your thick skull? Do you know how much...how much I want to be something more than a person you drag to a back corner of the library for an hour at a time.” As the words progressed, his voice became increasingly more unsteady, and by the end of it he looked close to either crying or screaming, Jongin wasn't fully sure which.

 

To say that he wasn't expecting something like that would be an understatement. No, he hadn't noticed what it was that Kyungsoo seemed to indicate was so obvious to everyone else, hadn't thought it had been worth his time to care. And wasn't that was everyone did at the school? Tried to portray themselves like they didn't care so that they wouldn't get hurt? That had been his interpretation at least, but it seemed as though the older boy in front of him had a different view of things.

 

Jongin looked down at the floor, the slick wooden floor bare and polished, his bare feet brushing against it. “I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that,” he said softly, wondering what Kyungsoo and everyone else did expect from him then.

 

The elder closed his eyes for a brief moment, seemingly trying to get his bearings. “You don't have to say anything, Jongin. It wouldn't matter anyway.”

 

A frown took over his face. “Wait, what? Okay, hang the fuck on. I get that you're upset, but you can't just say all of this and then blow it off like it wouldn't matter. If it didn't matter to you, then you wouldn't have said it. And...I mean, I'm just...trying to process what you just said,” he licked his lips uncomfortably, trying to garner a response for the situation. The problem was that he wasn't sure himself how to deal with it, or how to explain that he knew what Kyungsoo was saying was at least partially true.

 

Kyungsoo lifted an eyebrow at him, waiting on something silently.

 

“Okay. I get what you're saying, I mean, kind of. I am an asshole, I agree with that. But you've known that about me for a long time, Kyungsoo. I've always been like this and there's really nothing changing that. I do care about people, but apparently I do a really shitty job showing it. Maybe I'm wired wrong or something, but I didn't think I was some gargantuan self-centered creep. I think that's being a little bit unfair,” he attempted, feeling a bit at a loss in this position. He was used to being the one in control of a situation, dictating how something moved together and how a conversation was directed. But this was uncharted territory, people didn't call someone like him out on their wrong-doings.

 

“Think about it, Jongin, you always just sit there with his blank look on your face thinking you're too cool for everyone. You give these condescending little smirks at everyone and roll your eyes at anyone and anything you don't agree with. And if anyone, God forbid, manages to get you to speak to them, you brush everyone off like they aren't worth your time. It's only when they can give you something.”

 

Suddenly, Jongin felt as though Kyungsoo didn't know him at all, or maybe it was just that no one did. He had thought there was something within the way that Kyungsoo and he had interacted that had formed a sort of mutual understanding with each other, that he felt more comfortable with him than anyone else. But it seemed like the elder saw him just like everyone else, and there was a certain alienating feeling to that. A particular numbness began to crawl over him. “That's not true,” he said, though his voice had dropped to a near whisper as he tried to defend himself, tried grasping at ways that Kyungsoo was so clearly wrong. But all it kept coming up as was that the other student didn't want to see who he was either, he'd concocted just another image in his head of what he was supposed to be. “I thought you were different,” he finally uttered, lifting his gaze to meet Kyungsoo's. He wasn't going to stare at the floor like some kind of kicked puppy anymore.

 

The smaller male cocked his head curiously, a certain level of surprise written in his face. “Oh? Well you treat everyone as though they aren't worthy anyway, all of us being little peasants around you.”

 

His mind flashed back to when Chanyeol had called him 'Prince Jongin,' the realization that everyone saw him that way hitting him with a slight lump in his throat. But it passed quickly, and all that was left was a sense of anger. “You know what? Fuck you, then. I'm not like that, and if you think I am then you're just like everyone else,” he stood from the bed and scoffed lightly.

 

Kyungsoo's gaze hardened slightly. “Fine.  Go, then, ignore everything like you always do.”

 

Clenching his jaw, his fingers flexed to form fists briefly before unclenching. He walked closer to Kyungsoo, his gaze intent on him as the other backed up a little, not stopping until he hit the wall. His hands came up to pin the other student between his arms. “I just want you to know that I was never anything but myself when I was with you. You were my something more, but I guess I was wrong about that too,” he hissed, not breaking eye contact with the other. His jaw clenched once more, a certain threat in his eyes, before he dropped his arms and turned around to walk away.

 

He didn't bother to look back at Kyungsoo, not wanting to know what his reaction was. That's what hurt the most, what left an acidly bitter lump in his stomach, was that Kyungsoo did just think he was like someone else. That he thought everything he portrayed around him was all a falsity he'd created just to continue his image. Maybe he wasn't aware of a way to put a name to what they did have, exactly, but it did mean something to him as opposed to what the other seemed to think.

 

He could admit there was probably some truth to what was said, but he couldn't swallow that Kyungsoo had thought he hadn't been genuine, that he thought he was above everyone else. That was how he was expected to be, how his whole life had been set up to be this essence of perfect and unchanging cool factor that was supposed to propel him into a career later on.  As he descended the steps, his blood racing in his ears, he just wanted nothing more than to release some sort of irritation. But all of his outlets seemed closed.

 

So he simply went back to his own dormitory, knowing that there were a lot of things he still needed to do and things he needed to address, but he had simply lost the willpower for them. All he wanted was for things to be back as they were a few hours previous, not being disillusioned with Kyungsoo and not worrying about Chanyeol. Though admittedly, in the heat of all that had happened with Kyungsoo, he'd momentarily forgotten about his friend.

 

Swinging open the door, his eyes flashing with the range of emotions and numbness that fought to wage within him, he caught sight of Luhan briefly. His roommate looked up at him with a slightly surprised look on his face, but without asking any questions, he went back to his work. Jongin could only guess that he didn't look in the mood to deal with answering anything, and he kicked the door shut behind him, groaning as he went to his bed and crawled under the blankets. Maybe he wasn't all that tired anymore, but he surely didn't want to think either. There was still a stack of homework that needed done, and he knew he probably needed to talk to someone about Chanyeol. But that was going to be Kyungsoo...though he wasn't sure if they'd be doing a lot of talking any time soon.

 

When he woke up the next morning, his limbs felt heavy and there was an ache he couldn't describe or explain. And he didn't particularly want to think about why it was there. He groaned softly and glanced at the time on his phone, cursing lightly when he saw he only had a few minutes to get ready. But he knew that to get over whatever feelings he was having, it was easiest to just try and persist through them by continuing through the routine and going through the motions of his life.

 

No time for a shower.  
Brush teeth.  
Wash face.  
No time to style hair.  
Get dressed, don't forget the tucked in shirt and wear blazer.  
Put on the tie.  
Tie a perfect knot.  
Get things together even though the homework wasn't completed.

Spin the locker combination.   
Right 32, left 6, right 19.  
Act like everything's fine.  
Smile when needed.  
Write mindless notes.  
Don't think.

 

His method worked well enough, at least until he saw Chanyeol again. He didn't see him in his first period class, but they didn't have it together. When math came around, he was glad to see that at least he wasn't late, but there was still a certain unsettled feeling when he saw him. And with their uniforms, it was standard for the long sleeves, so it wasn't as though he could tell.

 

But the suspicion and the worry buzzed around in his brain, prodding at the possibilities that maybe there was something more to Chanyeol than he saw at first glance, something more than the projection. He hadn't really though of it in that way before, that they were all projecting something else in such a major way at least. Though he was clearly aware of the ways they shaped themselves to fit in amongst their peers, the ways that people kept themselves inside wasn't something he often thought about. And in the brief moment, he saw that Kyungsoo was again right. Being so self-involved had left him with the knowledge that he was like that, keeping most of his thoughts and whatever inner insecurities he held deep inside of himself, but he didn't often think in terms of others.

 

And he realized how completely naive he'd been. Glancing over to Sehun who tapped his pen on his notebook, pensive gaze out the window, he wondered for a moment what it was that was happening inside of him that he kept locked away from the rest of the world. They were all friends, sure, but Jongin didn't actually feel close enough to any of them to know such intimate and personal details about their lives or their inner minds. There was something about having just been told off previously that gave an all new angle on the people and things that surrounded a person, and in that day he saw things more clearly than he had before, though it was only in glimpses that he quickly forgot again.

 

He didn't actually have any classes with Kyungsoo, and for that at least he was thankful, unsure if he could handle seeing him so soon after they'd had their squabble. There was a part of him that yearned to seek out the other student, to apologize and just get things back to the way that they were, but he knew that things hadn't been as he'd depicted in his own mind for a very long time. He'd simply viewed them as a casual get together where no feelings were really put forth, but clearly Kyungsoo hadn't felt the same way. And he couldn't say with absolute certainty that he did continue to feel that way about him, there was something familiar and comforting about the other boy. But the part of him that was still angry and felt betrayed won over, he'd thought that Kyungsoo would understand the other side of him that he didn't project to people, but was shown at least in glimpses when they were together. And yet he'd been wrong about that too. He resented the way that Kyungsoo had called into question everything about his character and everything that he'd ever known and done with himself. Resented that his feelings of loss from the other had created such a rift inside of him that he'd never wanted to let a person fulfill unless it was some business obligation.

 

And of course, even if he wanted something more with Kyungsoo, he couldn't ever forget about the fact that his parents would never accept something like that. Jongin was supposed to marry a good wife, who would stay at home and take care of him and be pampered and made pristine her whole existence. That's what he was expected to have, and a stubborn  independent Kyungsoo was definitely not what they were accepting of or willing to accept.

 

He let out a soft sigh as he sat in his seat, realizing that he wasn't even paying much attention to the teacher's lecture. That was probably not a good idea, considering there always seemed to be so much involved in the lectures and the paces they went through. But in that moment, he thought it all just seemed pretentious and meaningless to focus so much on that while there were other things like basic human reaction and nature  to deal with.

 

When the class ended, it was the usual process of scooping their things into their bags and heading out into the hallway, Jongin grumbling softly to himself since he was still at a standstill about what to do with either of his friends. Or whatever he would consider Kyungsoo. He was more than a friend, and yet at times he seemed less in a way. With his friends he went out and did things with them, or he talked to them regularly. With Kyungsoo it was relatively hit or miss and most of their encounters remained quiet and not in terribly public places. So he wasn't sure what he'd call Kyungsoo, but that only managed to make his situation worse.

 

Sehun yawned as they entered the hallway and glanced to Jongin. "You okay, dude? You've been looking kind of...out of it today," he mentioned, cocking a brow slightly.

 

Jongin was surprised briefly that it was so noticeable that something was wrong, but shrugged instead of questioning it. "Eh, nothing really. Just tired I guess," he excused, which he thought was a perfectly viable excuse.

 

Chanyeol turned his head with a slightly furrowed brow. "Didn't you take that nap like I suggested?"

 

"Too much to do."

 

"I heard from Luhan you didn't even do anything, though. You just went to sleep after coming back from Chanyeol's," Sehun broke in.

 

Jongin was struck for a moment that he realized Luhan didn't know he had even gone to see Kyungsoo, and it was again reinforced that he really didn't tell people about the other student very much. But then another thought occurred to him. "Wait, since when do you even talk to Luhan?"

 

The youngest shrugged a little. "We all go to the same school, Jongin, it's not like I don't see your roommate sometimes. Plus we have art together, remember?"

 

"Oh..." he trailed a little. Maybe it wasn't a big deal, but he had in fact forgotten that at all. It was strange how people were connected, the ways that he always seemed to overlook as well. As they made their way to the lockers, spinning the combination his eyes flitted over to Chanyeol who was again seeming like he was hiding something from their view. But at the vantage it could have also just been him trying not to let his books fall, his torso pressed against the cool metal. Something flashed inside his locker, but the door shut before he could take much note of it. "By the way, Chanyeol? Can I talk to you later?" he broke in before he'd fully committed to the idea of even talking to him about what was going on, or what he was increasingly growing in suspicion about.

 

The elder shrugged and gave a nod. "Sure, I guess. It's weird, you never come to see me this much, but I guess I'll take it," he laughed, that loud, deep sound that reverberated through the throng of students around them. There was something comforting about Chanyeol's laugh, it made things seem like they would be alright. And that was really all Jongin needed.

 

At one point in the day, as he was on his way to the bathroom, he did catch sight of Kyungsoo. The elder had his back turned to him and was putting some kind of flyer on one of the bulletin boards. For a moment he wondered if the representative ever even attended his classes, or if he spent all of his time doing extra-curricular things. It crossed his mind to make the joke to him before he remembered their conversation from the evening before and his jaw hardened again, his gaze resetting itself on Kyungsoo's back.

 

The smaller male seemingly felt the gaze and turned to look over his shoulder. Seeing it was Jongin, he gave him a difficult look to read, his mouth pursed slightly, but his eyes weren't hardened or set against him in any way.

 

He couldn't say what the look was, couldn't identify what the other was feeling in that brief moment of time. But Jongin didn't need to apologize, he hadn't been the one to do anything wrong in the first place, at least that's how he assured himself. So he glanced away and continued to walk down the hall, not letting his eyes wander to the other student again for the fear that he'd say something he'd regret. Or apologize. He wasn't sure which was worse.

 

But besides that encounter, there was nothing more he saw of him, and when everything was finished for the day, he made his way back to the dorm relatively unfazed. He knew he had to talk to Chanyeol, but there was a certain direction he at least knew that could take. For that, there were many different plans he'd worked out in his head. And that, he knew, was a key to success. Having a plan and course of action for any path that was taken. If Chanyeol admitted to some sort of problem, of which Jongin wasn't even fully convinced of, then he would convince him to talk to someone. If he denied everything, he was determined he would at least pull up his shirt and figure out what he'd seen. If he turned out to be wrong, of course, it could be something they could laugh about. After all, Chanyeol was the happiest person he knew. Always with a smile and a dumb joke to tell. It all got to the point of where it grated on Jongin's nerves, but when it was missing it was uncomfortable and he wasn't sure what to do.

 

Unfortunately, things with Kyungsoo weren't so linear. He didn't know what he wanted to happen with their situation, or what outcomes it could possibly have. There were so many different factors that he himself couldn't figure out what course of action he should take, and that put him in a state of severe discomfort. Jongin thrived on being the one to know what to do, to always be headstrong and decided with his actions and his words. Even if they were wrong, he was stubborn enough to constantly defend what he was saying. This was the only time he could think of where he wasn't as sure, didn't know if he wanted to stick by his points as much.

 

He knew he wasn't wrong on this one either, knew that he wasn't what Kyungsoo claimed him to be, but there was some level of importance he placed on the other's opinion that he didn't want it to remain so low. He wished partially that he could change that perception the other had of him, but his pride was also getting in the way. It kept telling him that Kyungsoo was wrong, that he was supposed to know him better than all of the other people who claimed they did. He was the one who was supposed to be different, that Jongin was never more than what he was.

 

After settling his things in, and getting more comfortable as well as slightly prepared for what he was going to say, he ran his fingers through his hair, gazing blankly down at a notebook. He assured himself it was all a misunderstanding anyway, that he'd just been reading the signs wrong and was paranoid over nothing. Chanyeol was happy, he convinced himself, there was no doubt that he was just fine.

 

“Jongin? Are you alright? You're still acting strangely,” Luhan muttered as he re-entered the room.

 

The aforementioned boy glanced up and gave the elder a smile he hoped was reassuring. “I'm fine, don't worry. Just a lot on my mind,” he excused, the break in his blank staring spurring him into the realm he was supposed to be on again and he reached up to loosen the tie around his neck.

 

Luhan hummed a little as though he didn't believe him, but simply took his seat back at his desk, dropping the topic for now. Jongin was glad in ways that Luhan did care enough to bother asking, but it also got to a point where it became grating. He didn't need someone to look after him and ask if he was doing alright, he could take care of himself just fine. But he didn't want to see the hurt look on his face if he told him to stop interfering, so he merely took off his blazer and laid it across the back of the chair before leaving the dorm room.

 

The thought brushed across his mind that he should contact Chanyeol and let him know he was going to show up on his door, but the phone remained in his pocket as he walked down and knocked on the door. If Chanyeol had something to hide, he was determined to figure it out anyway.

 

“Uh, just a minute,” came the deep voice from inside the room, and Jongin crossed his arms a little over his chest, waiting for him to open the door. He was a little nervous still about how exactly this would happen, but assured himself he was the one who didn't get nervous, he didn't feel as much as other people, he would be okay. Finally, after a moment, Chanyeol opened the door, a smile appearing after a brief moment of hesitation. “Oh, sup?” he said casually as he stood aside.

 

Jongin walked inside the room, noting that it hadn't gotten any cleaner from when he was there yesterday. Music played from the other's laptop, a popular rap song that had been ingrained in all of their heads. “So...I wanted to talk to you,” he started and went over to sit down on Chanyeol's bed. “Wait...where's Kris?”

 

The elder snorted softly at the question and sat down in his desk chair. “I don't know. I guess he could be here any minute,” he teased. “But seriously, I don't know. What's up though? You've been acting weird.”

 

He gave a little nod, running his fingers through his hair again as if readying himself. “Okay, well, like...this is gonna sound really off-base, but...are you alright? Like...I don't know, I've just been kind of worried about you lately,” he sputtered out, hating how unsure he sounded in this situation.

 

Chanyeol laughed, quietly for him, a deep rumbling sound. “You're worried about me? Why? It's me, dude, I'm always just fine,” he assured him, though Jongin couldn't help but notice the way his eyes glanced down away from him.

 

After a brief moment of hesitation, he sighed and furrowed his brow at his friend. “Chanyeol, seriously. Something's...not right with you lately. And I don't mean to like, doubt you or anything, but I'm just worried. Show me your arms.” He was putting it all out there, but he knew at this point it was far too late to go back. If he was wrong, they could laugh about it, and the elder would have no problem showing him.

 

But instead, he reached for his sleeve in a way Jongin presumed was mostly subconscious. He seemingly forced another smile. “What? Wait, Jongin is caring about someone other than himself? I must be doing something wrong.”

 

The words, though he knew they were meant to be at least a partial joke, stabbed him in the gut and his jaw immediately clenched. Too many people had been referring to his lack of caring lately. Wasn't that how it was supposed to be? Didn't everyone try too hard to not show how they were feeling because it was a clear sign of weakness? But apparently he had been approaching it in the wrong way. “I'm tired of people saying I don't care,” he blurted, more thinking aloud than anything, but Chanyeol looked surprised. “Of course I care about you guys, you're my fucking friends and I don't know why the hell everyone sees me as so unfeeling. Fuck. Just like I don't believe you're as happy as you fucking pretend to be all the time.”

 

The elder looked at him for a brief moment, surprise and uncertainty written on his face. “I, uh, was only kidding. But...I don't really know how to respond to that Jongin,” he rubbed his hand along his head, stalling for something to respond to.

 

Jongin took a breath, letting it out slowly to keep himself calmed. “Show me your arms,” he demanded.

 

“What? Why?” Chanyeol questioned, but Jongin thought he could detect a slightly hesitant tone.

 

“If you have nothing to hide, then show me.”

 

“...you think I'm cutting myself or something? You're crazy, you need some fucking sleep.”

 

“Show me. If I'm so crazy, why not just put my mind at ease and let me see then?”

 

Chanyeol looked at him imploringly for a minute, seemingly uneasy about everything all of a sudden. “Jongin, no.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because...I just...can't.”

 

After a moment, he stood from his seat on the bed and walked over to Chanyeol in the desk chair, leaning down and pinning him to it, his hands on the arms of the chair. “Chanyeol, I'm just concerned. You're my friend...and something's wrong. Please.” Jongin was almost never the type to ask for something, much less call someone his friend so explicitly. But his previous actions had clearly not gotten him anywhere, so he was going to test out the honesty game.

 

Chanyeol seemingly didn't want to meet his eyes, keeping his own downcast, head turned away from the younger as he crossed his arms over himself. But after a moment, he looked up at Jongin over him, his eyes a little misty. “I can't, okay. I...you're right. I'm not happy, but I try so hard to be.”

 

Jongin felt a slight sinking sensation at the admission, the slight hope he'd still held disintegrating with his words laced with a sadness that hadn't been there before. He reached out and placed a hand on Chanyeol's cheek. “You don't need to try so much to be something you aren't. Show me,” he almost whispered, pleading with him.

 

The elder looked at him for a moment, searching. When Jongin's gaze never faltered from his, he gave a light nod and uncrossed his arms, hesitating for a moment as his fingers graced the edge of his sleeve. It seemed he was trying to work up the courage to do it, and Jongin muttered a softy 'it's okay' before he raised the sleeve.

 

Angry red marks were slashed into his skin, in varying tones of red and pink, some of them thin and slight, some raised and puffy. It was all in a sense of complete disarray, the marks coating his skin and marring him. Jongin wondered for a moment how long it would take to trace each one of them, or kiss each one to make it better. Maybe it was a childish notion, but the thought didn't fade away. Instead of pulling away from him, he reached toward his arm, cradling it with his hand as he observed the marks that displayed the unhappiness.

 

“How long have you been doing this?” he asked, eyes flitting to the other's briefly before looking back down at his arm. The varying shades were what struck him, some of them white and faded from long past, some of them looking about to bleed again and he wondered when he last opened himself.

 

Chanyeol cleared his throat, trying to contain his fear and emotion with one action. “A while. Since I was 13 probably. It's just...so hard. To be the happy person I want to be, to make everyone around me happy. I just want to see people smile, and I keep thinking that if I get people to smile, then I can be happy too. But it doesn't work. There's always just so much disappointment and so many expectations I can never meet.” His voice was uncharacteristically quiet, his vulnerability evident.

 

Another sinking sensation came over him at the words, and he dropped from his position hovering over him to a crouching one before him. His hand still cradling his arm, but from this vantage he could at least look at him levelly. A tear fell from Chanyeol's eye, and Jongin was overcome by a sense of helplessness. “Chanyeol...” he said, unsure how to respond to the situation. He could understand exactly what he meant, but he never thought it was something that other people would take so hard. It occurred to him that he didn't know his friends all that well after all, if he was so blind for so long about the elder's unhappiness.

 

The taller boy shrugged a little, trying not to make a scene about it. “It's okay, Jongin. You don't have to do anything. Or say anything.”

 

But Jongin knew that he did. It wasn't enough to pry into his emotional and mental state and then give him nothing. Though it was hard for him to face the consequences, he couldn't imagine what it was his friend was feeling. He had just divulged a secret he'd been keeping for years, and he wasn't sure how to respond. With a brief shake of his head, Jongin ran his thumb over one of the healed scars on the inside of the other's wrist. “No. I do. Because it's not okay for you to feel like that. You shouldn't feel like it's your responsibility to make anyone happy,” he muttered, a frown still present. “It's not fair on you to have those kinds of standards that no one can meet. Why didn't you ever say anything?”

 

Chanyeol gave a hollow-sounding laugh. “What could I say to people? 'Hey, I slash myself regularly because I can't hack it?' That would go over well in this place,” he snorted softly, halfway joking.

 

The younger shook his head. “You aren't being fair, there are people who'd understand,” he defended.

 

“Like who? You? Until now, I never even had any proof you gave a shit about anyone besides yourself.”

 

Jongin's frown deepened, pausing for a moment before licking his lips. “Okay...I know I haven't been the best friend, or the best person...but I do care. I always have, I just have a lot of trouble expressing it. But yeah, like me, I want to help you through this.”

 

The elder raised an eyebrow skeptically, though his image was slightly broken when a tear spilled over his cheek. Before he could think too much about it, Jongin raised up and pressed a kiss to the other's cheek, the wet tear trail staining his lips. He wasn't sure exactly what he was doing, but he was through deciding on his actions so carefully.

 

Chanyeol froze a little at the touch. “What are you doing?” he whispered, though he made no move to get away from him.

 

“I just don't want to see you cry anymore.”

 

\---

 

Jongin stood in line as he waited on Sehun to order his food, his arms crossed as he looked over the big overhead menu again. Sehun was, as usual, taking his time deciding, and even the cashier waiting on him looked less than enthused about waiting on his order. Chanyeol stood in front of Jongin, and he noted the way the he kept glancing at the cashier that looked kind of like a puppy.

 

“Do you know him or something?” he asked, lifting a brow questioningly.

 

Chanyeol flushed a little at the question and shook his head, glancing away. The younger smiled a little, noting the reaction for some use later on. Finally Sehun seemed to be content with his order and stepped away, and Jongin watched as Chanyeol approached and fumbled his way through the order. He couldn't look at the puppy-looking kid, instead keeping his gaze trained down toward his feet as he mumbled his order. The cashier had to ask him twice to repeat himself, which was an unusual occurrence for Chanyeol who was always asked to be more quiet.

 

When Jongin approached, he glanced over at Chanyeol and at the cashier, reading his name on the tag. Baekhyun. He gave him his order before deciding with himself. “Hey, Baekhyun...could I have your number for my friend over there?” he asked, indicating Chanyeol with a quick glance.

 

Baekhyun looked surprised for a moment, but smiled. “Uh, sure I don't see why not,” he said and quickly scribbled his number onto Jongin's receipt and handed it back to him.

 

Humming to himself, he stepped over to where his friends sat and slid it over to Chanyeol.

  
“Why do I want your receipt, Jongin?” he asked, blinking at him a few times.

 

Jongin rolled his eyes and pushed it toward him again. “It's not about the receipt, idiot, that kid wanted me to give you his number,” he explained. Maybe it was slightly untrue, but what Chanyeol didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

 

His attention was drawn away, however, when he noticed a familiar person out the large window. Kyungsoo was with someone he vaguely recognized from the student council, headed out of the office supply store with a smile on his face. The sight sent a pang through his chest, and he bit his lip briefly before glancing back to his friends. “I'll...be right back,” he said and got up from the table to confused looks.

 

Though there was a feeling of being slightly uncomfortable and out of his element, but he knew it was something he needed to do. However it turned out, he just needed to clear the air with the other student, though he was lying to himself if he said he didn't want it to go as well as he hoped.

 

Stepping outside, Kyungsoo was turned away from him, and the sound of his laugh reached him, carried on the wind. With a deep breath, he swallowed his pride and approached the two. The other boy from the student council noticed him first, indicating him with a slight nod of his head. He vaguely remembered him as the one that read the morning announcements. At the indication, Kyungsoo turned to see Jongin. His look was unreadable, somewhere between blank and too much emotion that he couldn't put a name to.

 

“Uh, can we help you?” asked the student council member with the round cheeks, a friendly grin on his face.

 

Jongin looked at him for a moment before turning his attention to Kyungsoo. “Can I talk to you? Privately,” he indicated with a quick glance toward the other.

 

Kyungsoo looked at him for a moment, as if trying to gauge if it was worth it or not before letting out a soft sigh. “I guess so. I'll talk to you later, Minseok,” he said dismissively toward the other.

 

That was his name, he noted, though he would probably forget it later. “Come on, let's go for a drive,” he suggested to Kyungsoo, already turning to walk to his car. He knew that Chanyeol and Sehun probably saw him, but he couldn't find it in himself to care what they thought.

 

As they got into the car, Jongin sighed softly, feeling a bit uneasy with the situation. They were both right, and they were both wrong. But if he had learned anything from Chanyeol, it was that he needed to be more upfront with people. “Kyungsoo...I'm sorry,” he blurted as he pulled out of the parking lot.

 

He could feel the other's eyes on him, boring into him for a moment, and when he glanced over there was a bit of disbelief written on his features. “You're what?”

 

“I'm sorry. I was wrong to lash out at you...and you're right about a lot of things. I am selfish...and I don't tell people how much they mean to me I guess,” he said, biting his bottom lip softly in his nervousness.

 

“I never expected you to apologize, actually,” the elder mused with a little hum, as if considering what he said, but he didn't seem completely put off by him.

 

“I know. I guess I'm coming to realize how much of an asshole I really am. And I already made the mistake once of not telling someone they were important to me,” he started, though he kept his eyes trained on the road, uncomfortable at the expression of emotions he struggled to find a name to. “What I mean is...you are important to me, Kyungsoo. And I guess I didn't want to let you be important to me because I was scared, but you are. When you told me off, I got really defensive, but it's only because I knew it was true. A friend told me some similar things, actually. So I'm sorry I was like that. But I do like you. As more than just a casual hookup.” It was a bizarre feeling to actually voice his feelings, and it left a slightly prickly sensation under his collar.

 

Kyungsoo was silent for a few moments, as if taking in all that the other had just said to him. His gaze was focused out the windshield, his expression still unreadable. “...my parent's house is nearby, why don't we go there?” he said by way of answering, pointing the direction out to him.

 

Though it seemed like a bit of an odd reaction to him being so open for once, he didn't argue and simply followed the instructions to his house. He hadn't ever been there before, but it was as he expected, large and dominating in the neighborhood of incredibly well off houses with a gate and perfectly manicured lawn.

 

As they parked in the driveway, Kyungsoo still hadn't said anything about Jongin's words, getting out and indicating the other follow him up the lawn and into the house. If the other wasn't going to talk, then he presumed he wouldn't either, waiting on him to break the silence this time. The elder keyed in the security code and let Jongin inside the house, both of them slipping off their shoes. One of the maids approached, seemingly surprised to see Kyungsoo, but he flashed her his smile and asked that they be left alone, which she obliged with a nod.

 

Only when Kyungsoo reached for his hand and began leading him up the stairs to his room did Jongin get an idea of what was being indicated. Muttering a soft 'oh,' he simply let himself be lead to the spacious, cream-colored room.

 

Shutting the door behind them, Kyungsoo turned and looked at Jongin for a long moment. “Do you mean what you said?” he asked, eyes searching him pleadingly.

 

Jongin gave a little nod and reached for the elder, his hands wrapping around his waist and pulled him closer. “I did. I've never felt the same way about anyone...and when you turned out to dismiss me like everyone else did...I didn't know what to do. I always thought you were so much different than them, but I guess I realize now that there's a reason everyone saw me that way.”

 

Kyungsoo let out a breath slowly, letting himself lean against the younger slightly and pressed a kiss to his jawline. “I did see you as more than that. I always saw more to you. But everyone tried to convince me you were this ego-maniac and I believed them. So I'm sorry, too. I did know better, I just let myself be lead into believing the hype.”

 

A weight lifted from Jongin's chest slightly as he said that, hope returning that he wasn't as unlovable as he had been beginning to believe he was. Tilting his head slightly, he pressed his mouth to the other's, savoring once again the familiar feeling of how their mouths fit together. The softness of Kyungsoo's lips against his own, and it was only a brief moment before arms wound their way around his neck, lips moving against his.

 

His own arms held the other close, wrapping around him to keep close and not wanting to let him go. It was comforting, the familiar scent filling him and the sensations of closeness and everything just being so Kyungsoo. It was perfectly imperfect, and that's exactly how he liked it to be. The tender caresses and kisses came to an end as things got increasingly more heated, and both of their impatience lead them to the bed in a mess of shed clothing.

 

It had been all too long since he'd been with Kyungsoo, and his rush was evident in the way that he hurriedly ran his hands along the other's body, taking in every available space of him as his hands roamed along his bare skin. “You're so beautiful,” he murmured against his skin as his lips pressed along the heated flesh.

 

They lost themselves in the comfort of one another, a mess of quiet moans and utterances of pleasure as they moved together. Their sweat-slicked skin pressed against each other, but Jongin didn't let go of him for even a moment, wanting to keep him as close as he possibly could while be brought them as much pleasure as he could with his body. His heart felt full, and when they both reached their peak it was in an ecstasy of one another's names spilling from their lips.

 

When it was over, Jongin pulled out of him and wrapped his arms around the other, curling around him and pressing kisses along his shoulder. “Kyungsoo, you won't give up on me, will you?” he asked quietly as he got his breath back.

 

He could hear the smile in the other's voice, “No, Jongin, I won't,” he assured him as he laced their fingers together.

 

\---

 

Jongin glanced up from his phone as a shadow blocked the sunlight that had previously been streaming down, and smiled a little at Chanyeol. “Sup?” he asked and returned to the phone. Kyungsoo's fingers ran absently through his hair as he lay on his lap, his own attention focused on the book in his hands. But at Jongin's words he glanced down at him before back at Chanyeol and gave him a smile.

 

“Not much...are you two a, uh...thing?” he indicated with some gesture Jongin didn't want to bother deciphering.

 

“Did you need something Chanyeol?” he asked instead of answering him.

 

The tall boy shook his head. “No, just...” he shrugged, “restless I guess.”

 

“Why don't you sit down?” Jongin invited.

 

“...I might have something to do...” he said absently and glanced at his own phone.

 

Jongin smiled a little to himself and shook his head, returning to flipping through his phone. “Does it have to do with a certain cashier that looks like a puppy?” he questioned.

 

He felt Kyungsoo's questioning glance, but ignored it for the moment as he watched Chanyeol blush lightly and mumble something about having somewhere to be. “Nothing, Kyungsoo,” he assured him and leaned up to kiss him briefly before letting his head drop back down to the other's lap.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Another transfer from AFF. Written a couple years ago. Unbeta-ed.


End file.
